February 28th, 2011. It's 10:30. You're in bed trying to get a good night's sleep before another long day. Your phone rings--it's your mom. You know she's already gone to bed, what could she possibly want. You shrug your shoulders, sigh and say, "hello?" Then all you hear are words that you don't think you'll hear for quite some time and could never have imagined that something so devastating could only fill a sentence. "I know it's late, but I thought you should know......Zac Fish was killed tonight in an accident."
What do you say? You're in udder shock; jaw drops to the floor, disbelief begins to set in, tears roll down your cheeks and all you can manage to say is-- "what? no! no! NO!!! Are you serious?!?!" Then silence.
Zac was 24 yrs old and quite the young entrepreneur. He was a young man who had his head on his shoulders and a bright outlook on life. We grew up together, he was like a big brother to me. Zac's dad was the pastor of the church my mom and went to when I was younger. Since he and I were roughly a year apart, needless to say, we were pretty close. Even though we lived in different towns and went to different schools, we were still like friends. Zac did go to a college that was a little ways away as did I (only mine was in Minnesota--about 9hrs away) but every time either of us was in town we would make it a point to call/text the other and say "hey, let's get together." We would grab ice cream or a few times, we would grab a nice dinner. As time went on, I was unable to go home so it had been a couple years (at least 1-2) since I've last seen Zac. I have been planning a move to St. Louis to be with my mom and Zac lives in STL. I was looking forward to reconnecting with him and the possibility of having someone my age in a new town that I knew who could kind of show me around town. Only now...that won't happen.
Zac was on a work trip in Michigan last week and decided to take a snowmobile on a ride. He ran off the path he was navigating on, struck a tree then flew off the mobile and was killed instantly.
It's hard to figure out how to grieve through this. I've never lost someone that I can conceivably understand that they aren't coming back. He's gone. It's not like my great grandfather who passed when I as 7/8. I barely remember that. I knew what it meant when we were at the funeral home, but it's different when you spent a lifetime (even if it was only a smaller amount of time) with someone than it is when you loose a family member that you may have only seen on holidays or family reunions.
I've been so confused lately with how to deal with this. I was scheduled to be out of town for DJing a swing dancing even the weekend of the visitation and funeral, but didn't know if I could bring myself to cancel that to go home and see his body. He was an organ donor and from my understanding it wasn't that pretty of a clean up after the accident so it was a closed casket ceremony. I don't know if I would have had the same closure, if any, if I had driven the 500+ miles home to console his family (leaving behind grandma, father-Tom, mother-Jody & younger sister, Hannah).
I guess closure is something that just comes over time. Maybe next time I'm home and I can give a hug and a smile to hid family, maybe that will bring myself some sort of closure as well as his family. There are days when I'm up and others when I'm down. It's just not quite a reality that has set in yet. And I guess that ultimate question is...will it ever? When do our surreal experiences become actual realities that we can face or have any answer to? I guess for now, I'll just keep searching...and thinking of the great memories that we had together.
Zac you will be forever missed, but FOREVER LOVED! I love you, Zac!
In memory of:
Zachary James Robert Fish, March 9, 1986-2011
